By Dr Guy Hatchard

 

Dear Mum

 

Happy New Year. Christmas was fun but there were not enough presents. Can you help out and send a few needed items?

An honest billionaire. Our borders have been closed for two years, but our dear Prime Minister has just said that billionaires can come here as long as they bring some money with them (at least $3 million). Please don’t send Bill Gates again, he came here in 2019 and his presents, although spread around the media, were not very useful.

Common Law. We don’t have one. And some Habeas Corpus, whatever that is.

Please wire us some money. We are short of 62 billion dollars—the Covid Contingency Fund. Our finance Minister has told us that he has spent it all and needs to borrow some more.

A cheap house, their price rose by 22.8% this year. A few sticks of timber might help, we export all our wood to China, and our builders can’t find any here.

We need a few thousand skilled doctors, nurses, policemen, fire fighters, and teachers, the government had to sack ours for being naughty.

Do you have any unvaccinated politicians? We don’t have any vaccine virgin politicians so we are not sure how long ours will last.

Can you send a scientist with an enquiring and open mind, preferably one who can read scientific papers?

Please send a celebrity, our Prime Minister loves them, it might put her in a better mood.

Can you send a few past editions of the Daily Mail? Our media have only written one story this year and they republish it every day. Something about how wonderful vaccination is. Apparently it makes you brave, healthy, and wise, if you survive it.

And one last item, can you send a few hunters? Our government has promised to hunt us down.

BTW how are you keeping? Would you mind looking after our kids for a while, a few years perhaps. Please reply soon.

All the very best from the land of the meek and compliant.

 

Your Kiwi son

 

PS Don’t send by post it takes weeks, a task force of evacuation ships would get here quicker.